Participation, Trust, and Compassionate Inquiry

Participation

Compassionate Inquiry

Compassionate Inquiry® is a psychotherapeutic approach developed by Dr. Gabor Maté over several decades. This method aims to gently uncover and release layers of childhood trauma, emotional constriction, and suppressed feelings that are embedded in the body, which are often at the root of various mental and physical illnesses, as well as addiction. By fostering a safe and empathetic therapeutic environment, clients are encouraged to explore and confront the traumatic events from their childhood, recognize the beliefs they internalized, and feel the emotions they had previously suppressed. This process contributes significantly to their healing and emotional well-being.

Central to Compassionate Inquiry is the perception of the therapeutic relationship as a safe container where compassion and curiosity can flourish. In this secure space, both the therapist and the individual work together to reveal the underlying consciousness, mental climate, hidden assumptions, implicit memories, and bodily sensations that constitute the true message behind their words. This method helps individuals understand and articulate their experiences more deeply, allowing for a profound recognition of how past traumas continue to influence present behavior and emotional states.

As individuals release themselves from the hold of their past stories, they often experience a new way of being. This transformation leads to increased spontaneity, a greater sense of choice, expansion, and freedom in their lives. Compassionate Inquiry thus not only aims to heal past wounds but also facilitates personal growth and the development of a more authentic and liberated self.

Adaptation to Personal Relationships Between Friends

Compassionate Inquiry can also be adapted to enhance personal relationships between friends. Just as in a therapeutic setting, friends can create a safe and empathetic space for each other, where deep listening and understanding go beyond the surface of words. This involves recognizing the underlying needs and emotions that might be expressed indirectly. For instance, if a friend says they want to watch TV or Netflix together, it might signify a desire for quality time, intimacy, or emotional support.

In personal relationships, practicing compassionate inquiry means being present and genuinely caring for one another, even in difficult times. It involves checking in on friends, showing concern for their well-being, and being there for them, especially during crises. This kind of support fosters trust and deepens the connection, as friends feel valued and understood.

By applying the principles of Compassionate Inquiry in friendships, individuals can help each other explore and understand their emotional landscapes, contributing to mutual growth and healing. This approach encourages friends to engage in meaningful conversations, support each other's vulnerabilities, and celebrate the journey towards greater emotional freedom and authenticity together.

Participation: Quantity and Quality

Deep listening: Understanding not just the words, but the meaning behind the words. Eg. if someone says they want to watch tv/netflix with you, maybe they mean they want QUALITY TIME with you and want to cuddle/be intimate/be quiet/hold hands/get excited together by watching a sport game or something.
Caring: They might not listen. They might not have the same values. They might not even be generally kind. BUT THEY CALL TO CHECK HOW YOU ARE DOING AND THEY GENUINELY CARE FOR YOU. IF YOU END UP IN HOSPITAL, THEY COME VISIT EVEN IF YOU ARE FIGHTING.

Trust

Trust: The marble jar ... Brene Brown
going to funerals
calling them when they are down
do things if you say you will
don't cancel at the last minute
don't cancel
tell someone something that is painful to you
sharing potential hurtful things
Brene Brown video on trust
you fill up the marble jar gradually ... until one day you can share very sensitive things with them
You can also trust some people for some things and not trust them for other things
e.g., I trust Nick won't say certain things, but I don't trust him about sailing
"choosing to make something important to you, vulnerable to the actions of others"
BRAVING
BRAVING video
Charles Feltman: "TRUST is choosing to make something important to you, vulnerable to the actions of someone else"
B - Boundaries: I trust you if you are clear about your boundaries and you hold them and you are clear about my boundaries and you respect them. There is no trust without boundaries.
R - Reliability: I can only trust you if you do what you say you are going to do and not just once. i.e., consistent. You do what you say you will do, over and over and over again.
In working lives, we have to be clear about limitations, so we don't take on too much.
Don't say "oh it was great seeing you, we have to do lunch" if you won't organize lunch.
A - Accountability: I can only trust you if when you make a mistake, you are willing to own it, apologize for it, and make amends. I can only trust you when I make a mistake if I am allowed to own it, apologize, and make amends. No accountability, no trust.
V - Vault (confidential): What I share with you, you will hold in confidence. What you share with me, I will hold in confidence. That is only one side of the vault. The other side: someone comes up to you and says "Did you hear about Caroline? They are getting a divorce and it is ugly, I'm pretty sure her partner is cheating." You have just shared something with me that was not yours to share. Even though you are gossiping and giving me the juice, my trust in you is completely diminished.
TRUST CANNOT BE EASILY RE-ESTABLISHED
i.e., not just about the two of you, but people's ability to acknowledge confidentiality
Sharing things/gossip to hotwire connection with a friend "if you don't have anything nice to say, come sit next to me". Closeness is often built on talking bad about other people. It's called "common enemy intimacy". The intimacy we have is not real - it's built on hating the same people. That is not real.
I - Integrity: I cannot trust you and be in a trusting relationship with you if you do not act from a place of integrity and encourage me to do the same.
What is Integrity: Choosing courage over comfort, choosing what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy, practicing your values and not just professing your values.
N - Non-Judgement: I can fall apart and ask for help and be in struggle without being judged by you. You can fall apart and be in struggle and ask for help without being judged by me. When we assign value to needing help - when I think less of myself for needing help (consciously or not), when you offer help to someone else, you then think less of them too. You cannot judge yourself for needing help but not judge others when they need help. Real trust is not real unless it is reciprocal and non-judgmental.
If you cannot ask for help and they cannot reciprocate, that is not a trusting relationship. And vice versa.
G - Generosity: Our relationship is only a trusting relationship if you can assume the most generous thing about my words, intentions, and behavior and then check in with me. So if I screw up, say something, forget something, you will make a generous assumption.
Say, yesterday was my mom's anniversary of her death and we talked about it and I would really have hoped that you would have called - I know you care about me and you think it's a big deal, so I wanted to let you know that I've been thinking about that. As opposed to, not returning calls, not returning emails, and waiting until months later to say ... "well, you forgot to call and it was important". Make a generous assumption and check it out.